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  • mylonelyconfessions 8:34 pm on 28th January 2019 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #31 – The Human Race is Vile. Oh and I Met Sora 

    God Makes Shitty People – The Predator 2018

    I have been watching the Ted Bundy Tapes on Netflix and as the final moments of the last episode played, I came to the conclusion that the human race can be vile.  People were aghast at those villagers in the middle ages that made a family event out of a local hanging.  They said it was macabre.  Evil.  Yet they were popping beers and shouting and cheering at Ted Bundy’s execution.  Like it was the super bowl.  Yes he was an evil human being who did evil things, but surely it can only be vile human beings who can experience entertainment from such an event as an execution?  At the extinguish of a human life.  Surely there is something also wrong with those people?

    Sora once told me that I was only ever interested in him because he “intrigued” me.  He was a mystery and since I have always been mesmerised by the workings and intricacies of the criminal and unstable mind, I suspect he perhaps may be right to some extent.  He lacks a lot of rational thinking, takes words at face value and sees slights where there are none.  He distinctly suffers from paranoia and is convinced the world is against him.  He sees enemies in friends and insults in general statements.  We have had so many fights and he has changed personalities so many times in split seconds that I was completely and utterly convinced that he was entirely capable of hurting someone.  There were times I was even afraid of him.  There were times when I was terrified of him.  And glad that we were separated by 270 miles.

    It was last September when he scared me most of all.  I wrote about it.  He terrified me.  But months passed and whilst we had small bickerings here and there, we had no fights on that scale and he had apologised profusely.  I knew that I was falling into the trap of “it’s okay because he said sorry” that is so cliched nowadays.  But I cared about him.  Deeply.  So when he asked me if he could see me, I said yes.  He is my best friend.  i have shared things with him that I haven’t shared with a single other human being.  My boyfriend was not happy and didn’t trust him.   He said he was scared he would hurt me.  Or worse.  I will admit, I had doubts of my own.  But I knew his little traits.  The way he jiggled his knee when he was nervous.  The way he would scratch his arm furiously, sometimes even taking the skin off it, when he was edgy and ready to blow.  I knew what to look out for, I knew I could take him if needed be and I also knew that our mutual friend Teflon Guy, whom I trusted implicitly would also be there if shit got real.  My boyfriend agreed and drove me down.

    When Sora and Teflon Guy got out of their car, I was taken aback.  Sora was not what I had expected at all.  Of course, I had seen him, many many times over video feed.  And spoken to him every single day since the day we met.  But when I first saw him getting out of that car, he looked so small and frightened.  He was so shy and quiet.  Painfully nervous of me.  He kept looking at me, almost mesmerised with me, and there was something in his eyes that I recognised, where the rest of him seemed so foreign to me.  I felt weird so I resorted to my usual shoulder punch, one of the guys, routine.  Every time my fist lightly connected with his shoulder, I saw him flinch.  He was afraid of me.  He barely said two words to me and I could see him swallowing as he struggled with conversation with me.  This was not like him and it made me uneasy that this was not any Sora I was familiar with and I did not know how to handle him at all.  It settled me slightly to see that he was afraid of me.  It meant I had the upper hand if the situation took a nasty turn.

    But it didn’t.

    It was lovely.  He waited on me hand and foot.  He was polite, funny, sweet, caring.  He respected my boundaries and also comforted me when I cried.  Teflon Guy went to do his own thing and left us alone and I was on edge a bit when he left.  We sat for the longest time in silence.  Then I hugged him.  Well, not even a hug.  I leaned my cheek against his shoulder.  He hugged me.  I felt safe.  I didn’t feel scared.  And I hugged him back.  I felt happy.  And safe.  Really safe.  And loved.  And when I stopped hugging him, I just looked at his face.  In depth.  For a long time.  I prodded his cheeks, his eyebrows, his chin.  Looking at every potential crazy sign that could possibly show itself.  All I saw was pain in his eyes.  He looked like a lost and frightened little boy that had seen so much hurt and had some many awful things happen to him.  For those moments I couldn’t understand how anyone could hurt him.  How his ex could have done those things to him.  And then all I wanted to do was protect him.  I hugged him so hard.  And I hugged him until we had to leave. I became fiercely protective of him.  He has always been me, and I, him.  I felt connected to him.

    At one point in the weekend, I saw something which scared me.  A pushiness.  An assertiveness.  A dislike for the word no.  He must have seen my reaction because moments later he disappeared and when I found him, he was visibly distressed and said he felt bad.  That he was sorry.  When I left at the end of the weekend I felt as though I was missing a limb.  He did too.

    Since returning home, I have seen regular Sora.  The one who has issues.  Who argues with me.  Twice now he has forgotten to take his meds and he has bombarded me with insults out of the blue.  Despite knowing that he doesn’t mean them, it still doesn’t make it hurt any less.  We’re fighting now.  He’s called me a lot of things.  He once said I was one of the smartest people he knows.  He called me a “fucking retard”.  And a “fucking moron”.  “Queen Asshole”.  And a “Grade A Cunt”.  I cried.  A lot.  At work.

    My boyfriend knew we had fought.  He could see it written across my face.  He told me he had tried to make an effort with Sora.  To build bridges.  He told me he had messaged him, asking questions, trying to form a sort of haphazard friendship.  I loved him for this.  I loved him for trying to be friends with the man who had stolen so much of my time from him. Who had forced me time and time again to choose between the two of them.  To choose who would have my time.  My attention.  Sora had won every time.  And my gentle, passive boyfriend had let it happen.  I felt awful.  But Sora had been the one who looked after me, albeit from a distance, when my boyfriend went out, weekend after weekend with his friends.  Leaving me alone, night after night.  He had helped strengthen my bond with Sora.  And he knew that no matter what he said or did now, he could not change that bond.  So he just stopped trying.  He asked me what Sora had said to me this time.  I told him I didn’t want to talk about it.  That I didn’t want him to get involved.  He said he wouldn’t.  He told me to be careful.  That Sora was dangerous.

    I already know this.  But I’m too far in now.

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  • mylonelyconfessions 9:27 pm on 23rd October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #30 – Strange things have been happening since the funeral 

    The calm has finally arrived and the dust has settled.  I have had a little time to grieve for the loss of my grandad, although I still wait for the phone to ring at 7.30pm every Thursday and I get confused when it doesn’t, before I realise that it will never ring and be him again.  I still feel a bit distant from the whole thing, like I still don’t really think it’s happened.

    My boyfriend’s dad’s funeral was a nice service.  He wrote his own eulogy and recorded his own songs to play.  My boyfriend vented a little but, there were a few tears but not many.  I’m concerned about him though.  He’s remembering little things incorrectly or flat out seeing things that aren’t there.  I wonder if the bottled grief has not been good for his brain.  His mum and sister said that the day his dad died all the lights in the garden went out and never came back on again until the next day.  They are all solar powered and all bought at different times from different shops.  Everyone else’s lights were fine.  His dad loved that garden.  Two days after his dad died, I was downstairs reading and he was upstairs playing on his PlayStation with his brother.  All the lights went out for a couple of seconds.  The rest of the power stayed on, but every lamp in the house went off.  I went upstairs confused, and heard his brother quite clearly saying through his headset that all of the lights in his house just went off for a couple of seconds.  He lives 11 miles away from us in a different town.

    I have been walking into cobwebs relentlessly.  There’s not a room in the house I can go into, or car I can get into without walking straight into a cobweb.  Except there aren’t any there.

    Last night I had finally drifted off to sleep for a few seconds (my boyfriend was in his room across the hall) and was abruptly awakened by someone blowing quite forcefully on my face, across my eyes.  I opened them and sat up, completely prepared to slap my boyfriend who knows I sleep terribly, only to find that there was no one there.

    These strange happenings seem to be getting more and more frequent and more and more…..I’m not sure what the word is……prevalent?  Present?

    I have to wonder if all the stress, grief and sadness is finally catching up to us and starting to make our mental health deteriorate or if we’re flat out being haunted.  And I actually hope it’s the second one, because there is nothing scarier than not being in control of ones own mind.

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 11:59 am on 17th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #29 – Monday was shit. What a surprise. 

    Well, Monday is our day. We both anticipated Monday being our day. But when I sent the Discord call through, everything felt weird. He said I had been cold all day at work. I didn’t think I’d been any different. I think he was looking for something that wasn’t there. We sat mostly in silence for a while. Then he ended the call. I waited the rest of the evening in case he came back but he didn’t. He messaged me saying he had had such a good week with me and the only day he didn’t enjoy was Friday (despite commenting on the Tweet I put up about it saying he’d had a great night) and he said he hadn’t wanted to do any of that but “as usual” we did what I wanted to do. That got my back up because I haven’t suggested what we do for a very very long time purely because I got accused then to of us always doing what I wanted. So I’ve let him pick since then and it’s been that way for a very long time. That has also caused numerous arguements because he says he always has to think of stuff for us to do because I won’t say anything. Basically there’s no pleasing him.

    It’s my boyfriend’s dad’s funeral on Friday this week and we have lots of preparing to do, as well as my stream schedule so I told Sora we would basically only have Monday night to spend any time together. Apparently that wasn’t enough to stop him ending the call.

    Last night (Tuesday), I streamed and then messaged him saying I was free if he wanted to chat. He said no. Then made out that I didn’t want to see him, speak to him or spend any time with him. I waited the rest of the night in case he wanted to speak to me but he just kept arguing. In the end I gave up and said I wasn’t chasing him. I sat at my computer watching streams before bed.

    He said I never say anything nice to him. I guess he forgot the hundreds of messages saying nice things that I sent him for weeks and not not a single reply. I mentioned that I came back after being called those awful things he called me that he didn’t even apologise for. He said he was sorry he said them and that he was angry at me. He certainly didn’t sound sorry.

    I feel as though last week went so good that I got my hopes up and really thought we could do this, that we could go back to being good again.

    Guess I was wrong.

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 7:41 am on 15th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #28 – We had the most epic reunion 

    Sora and I had a long talk. I discussed him being a dick. He said he was sorry. I told him how much he hurt me. He said he was sorry. He said he needs to learn patience and he needs to be there for me and that he has got to try harder. This conversation was Monday. It is now the next Monday and guess what? No arguements!

    I know, I can barely believe it myself. It feels great. We’ve actually had a blast of a week. I had a big row with my boyfriend because I have been trying to be there for him with the loss of his dad but he just keeps putting up walls in front of me and eventually, the bottled up grief which I had anticipated would explode in him, did so. He had a massive go at me for nothing. So I just went upstairs and listened to my music on the floor of my room. He eventually came up and said sorry but things haven’t really been the same since and he’s just spent every second he can going out drinking and getting wrecked. So Sora has babysat me, as he used to.

    We’ve been playing a game via Shareplay on my PS4 together and it’s been so much fun. I used to love playing games with people but my boyfriend never wants to do that, or he says he will then finds an excuse to not have me near him, so I really enjoyed it and I know Sora did too.

    Last Friday night my boyfriend went out drinking (shock right?). Sora and I therefore made plans to have an evening together. But then our other friend (the one who plays snooker on a Monday) text him asking if he could come over to his house. Sora didn’t really want him to because he doesn’t like sharing his time with me with someone else but I told him he has to message the guy back and tell him yes. So he did.

    The three of us had such a laugh. I blasted cheesy 90s tunes through my microphone, watching them dance like loons on webcam and we drank and ate junk food and just laughed and joked all night. It was absolutely brilliant and I had missed it so very much. The three of us having fun.

    Sora and I have spent the whole weekend together (well as together as you can spend over the internet and not real life I guess) and we’ve laughed and smiled and had fun. I missed him so much and I know he missed me too because the first day I video called him, he looked terrible, pale, ill, big black circles under his eyes, thin. And now he looks so full of life again. I’m so happy.

    I’ve arranged to go visit him in December. My boyfriend isn’t even slightly bothered about this because he says we will fall out well before then and it’ll never happen. Part of me thinks he’s most likely right. Oh well.

    It doesn’t matter.

    Because he’s back. Eeeeeekkk!

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 4:50 pm on 9th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #27 – I can only describe it as feeling dead 

    I find it absolutely amazing how much skill a human being can have in hurt. I’ve been off work today to go with my boyfriend to register his dad’s death.

    We went into town and parked the car. Behind a car with a number plate that spelled out Sora’s name. Actual name, not fake blog name. Then my boyfriend ordered me nacho cheese bites from McDonald’s. In all my life I have never known them to even offer nacho cheese bites. I didn’t order them. So within an hour of trying not to think of him, I was reminded. It was like fate and irony was smacking me in the face with him. Forcing me to remember, no matter how hard I tried to forget.

    He was messaging me telling me I had never had any feelings towards him. That I didn’t care. If he had bothered to read this blog instead of letting his stupid, childish, hot headedness get the better of him, he would know otherwise.

    He ended the conversation saying that he wasn’t going to waste his time with a “waste of space, lying, cheater who lead people on”.

    You know, up until that point I didn’t think he could hurt me anymore. He had even said “shut up cunt” during the conversation and even that ceased to have any effect. But to be told you’re a waste of space, liar and cheater, just kinda cut deep. I have never, never lied to him. Not once. And to be told he thinks I’m a waste of space, really speaks volumes about how he feels about me.

    He kept telling me to fuck off and leave him alone and then when I didn’t reply he messaged anyway. He seems to be stuck in this mass of confusion about his feelings for me. One minute he hates me, next he thinks the world of me. It does not make things any easier for me. I told him it would have been preferable if he’d told me he wished I was dead. And that it’d be easier. For him and for me. He told me not to presume his thoughts. But he didn’t deny it.

    I am struggling to find an emotion right now. I know that I want to feel sadness. Or even anger. But I can’t seem to find a single spark of anything. It’s the oddest sensation. Like being dead. Not feeling anything.

    What has he done to me?

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 9:13 pm on 8th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #26 – An absolute shitbag 

    Hah!  And to think I ever had second thoughts about letting Sora back into my life!  I caved, since he kicked off so much about wanting to know the link to this blog and I sent it to him.  I got a message back telling me he’d deleted my message and the “poxy link” and wouldn’t read it.  If he has deleted the message he will regret it when he has stopped being angry because yes, there are a lot of angry posts on here but there are also a lot of heartfelt entries which unabashedly state how much I think of him.  To belittle what is essentially a collection of my most personal, and intimate thoughts, riled me instantly.

    He wrote a couple of messages which he then deleted, but I had already seen them.  About going back to my “CUNTISH FRIENDS” and leaving him “THE FUCK ALONE”.  I bit back by responding with “they must have been taking lessons off you then”, which I knew would make him angrier but I didn’t care.  He told me to stop writing, but then waited for a response, which never came, so he wrote again.  I got to the butt of his anger, which was that I had met up with G and 50 shortly after I had been supposed to meet up with him.  Fact remains that I asked him over and over if he’d be there and if I should cancel it and he knocked me back.  He lives nearly six hours away from me so it was never like it was just down the road.  Where we met G and 50 was an hour away, no more and we didn’t stay overnight, we were only there for a few hours.  It was a completely different scenario.  He makes out like I was meeting N, by myself in a saucy hotel somewhere, all alone and romantic.  As opposed to meeting a couple, with my boyfriend, an hour up the road.  Drama queen.

    He has said he is basically sitting around miserable today, same as every Monday, because Monday is the hardest day for him.  As if he thinks they are any easier for me.  My goodness he makes me so fucking angry!  Every single bastard entry on this entire blog is about HIM.  I’ve been so miserable I’ve wanted to die.  Because of HIM.  And he has the cheek to say that I’ve been too busy having fun and not caring.  If he even asked me what I’d been doing or asked what my feelings were, he would know!  If he hadn’t been such a hot-headed CHILD and deleted the link, he would know!!

    My “CUNTISH FRIENDS” have actually been there for me.  Checked in with me.  If I lived alone and had no family or friends, I could be dead months before he would even know, because he didn’t check in on me ONCE.  He didn’t care how I was.  He still doesn’t care how I am.  He thinks he is the only one hurting.  He is such a child and nothing I have ever said or done has changed his behaviour.  How can he expect to get through the rest of his life acting this way?

    Oh my god my head is going to explode right now, I’m so stressed.  How can one person infuriated me so much, so often??  He forgets all the things he used to do with me that he now does with all his new online “friends”.  Like watching movies together online, modding for them in their streams.  Things that were our thing.  I’ve not once asked any of my friends if they wanna watch movies with me and if they had asked I would have said no.  Because that is our thing.  I would never watch Will and Grace with anyone else.  I would never play ESO with anyone else.  But he’s so eager to fit in and have a new set of friends that if they told him to cut both his fucking arms off, he would.  I streamed for an HOUR earlier.  That’s it.  An HOUR.  Because he messaged me and then started getting arsey because I didn’t reply and then made out like I was lying about streaming.  What the fuck man?  So I cut stream short so he could have my full undivided attention.  Which was a waste of fucking time.  I should have just carried on.  I had to make up some bullshit excuse about needing to check if my boyfriend was okay, when I knew fine well he was okay because I could hear him on the phone in the other room.

    My head is splitting.  I have a migraine.

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 4:56 pm on 8th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #25 – I am on the verge of opening doors that should stay closed 

    Well, I’m home from work and my boyfriend is still out.  He text me earlier to say he was taking his mum out after they had sorted funeral arrangements.  He’s been out getting absolutely hammered this weekend so I’ve hardly seen him at all since his dad passed.  He hasn’t seemed to need me.  And I know it’s selfish but I’ve spent so much time alone and all I could think was, “think of all the time Sora and I could have spent together”.

    So now I’m home and feeling very alone.  Especially since Mondays always used to be mine and Sora’s day, just us, because our other friend who we always hung out with, the three of us, plays snooker on a Monday with his dad, so it ended up just being me and Sora and we kind of made a ritual of it.  The house seems so silent.  My computer is switched off.  I was supposed to be streaming tonight but I’m so disheartened since coming home that I don’t know if I can face it.  I need to push myself into doing it because it keeps me busy and takes my mind off things. It really, really helped me yesterday and I toughened up a bit and wasn’t constantly checking my phone.  My other friends were messaging me and one of the guys even rang my phone via Discord, which I was not expecting, nor wanting and I don’t think my boyfriend was very happy about it.  And it was a pretty pointless call too, being made to listen to sound effects from a game that I got scared on.  I don’t know why he called but I made a point of trying to get shot of him quickly.  What I do not need right now is a guy getting on my case, especially one that I have no interest in having as anything other than a mild to distant friend.  He was alright at first, but he has pissed off G by segregating some of our friends on the Discord server and G has formed an opinion of him now that I seem to have inherited, which isn’t exactly rosy.  If G goes, I go.  Simple.  He’s the only one who has steadfastly stuck by me and I will follow him and 50 without question.

    Talking about K just took my mind off Sora for all of ten minutes and now here I am, back to thinking about him again.  I kept thinking that he basically thinks I’m on the same level as the girls who married Hugh Hefner.  They didn’t marry him because they loved him or had any romantic feelings for him.  They married him for his money and the security he could offer.  Sora thinks that I am one of those girls.  Except the security and stability I have, is of my making, not my boyfriend’s.  In fact, my boyfriend’s security and stability was actually of my making too.  I have turned his life around in a complete 180 and gave him a life he would never have had, had it not been for me.

    Sora and I watched a movie a little while ago called ‘The Wedding Singer’.  The girl in the movie is due to marry a guy who can give her stability and security and they’ve been together forever.  But she falls for the guy who is the wedding singer, who has next to nothing to offer her.  He walks out of her life after telling her that she basically only wants someone who can look after her.  That hurts her and in her hurt, she rushes into pulling her marriage to the other guy forward.  It’s only when the wedding singer goes out of his way to tell her he loves her that she leaves the other guy and ends up marrying the wedding singer.  We watched that movie and I know we both thought it was relevant.  Except I am not Julia.  And Sora is not Robbie.  And life is not a movie.  Life is complicated.  It is not black and white.  There are many grey areas.  Every time I think I am making some progression, I keep thinking, what would my life be like if I just made a fresh start and went for it alone?  Doing my own thing, in my own place, when I wanted to, how I wanted to.  The thought excites me.  But then I get scared and dash back into my little shell of safety and do nothing.

    I look at my life and I think to myself, how many more days will I spend alone in my room, my boyfriend in his room, neither of us talking, him out drinking himself stupid nearly every weekend, taking me nowhere, no dates, no meals, no adventuring, no sex.  Not even any heartfelt kisses.  Just the sort I give my mum when I say goodbye after popping over for Sunday dinner.  Sora has opened up a part of my brain that I had locked away many years ago when I decided that life had already been too complicated and all I wanted was for it to be easy for a change.  Leading separate lives with my boyfriend was easy.  Neither of us stopped the other doing what we wanted.  He never stopped me talking to Sora.  Sometimes he even encouraged it, if it meant he could go out drinking and I’d have a “babysitter”.

    Sora makes me so fucking confused.  Everything was so easy until he came along and now my brain feels as though it is going to explode with the sheer volume of emotions, feelings and potential life plans rushing through it.  I feel like at some point soon I am going to end up making a rash decision which I will regret.  Someone once told me that if you don’t open that door you could be missing out on something wonderful.  But I also stand to lose everything I have worked for, for the last decade.

    What the fuck do I do for the best?

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 11:18 am on 8th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #24 – It’s getting easier but it’s still harder than I thought it would be 

    I miss Sora today. A lot. But I know I have to persevere with cutting him out my life. We are neither of us good for each other. I know he is thinking about me and I know he misses me. I kept myself busy last night with streaming, painting my nails and watching TV. Things I used to do before Sora. I chilled out and was relaxed and happy and I needed it.

    This morning I am okay. I haven’t cried and my heart hasn’t ached. It’s like my brain has accepted the realisation that Sora is not good for me and we don’t make each other happy anymore. He is unable to act like my friend and I think even if he could, I would still be jealous of everyone who came into his life. It would never work.

    I still miss him. My brain still flashes little images of him in my head that make me smile and remind me of him. They appear for no reason whatsoever. I mostly just wish they would go away so I could move on and get on with my life.

     
    • jillsadventuresindating 3:40 pm on 8th Oct 2018 Permalink | Reply

      Oh I know this feeling all too well! It is important to remind yourself it is okay to miss him, that is normal, but to recognize that he isn’t the one. Thanks for the follow and I look forward to your future writings! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  • mylonelyconfessions 10:15 am on 7th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
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    Confession #23 – I am not an evil, manipulative person, asshole 

    Well me and Sora lasted a grand total of three days before I decided I wasn’t happy with who he made me when I was around him. I said I wouldn’t bin my friends off, but I did. I said I wouldn’t stop streaming, but I did. I said I’d be there for my boyfriend, but I wasn’t. His dad died on Friday and it was awful. I felt so useless because there are no words or actions really that can make anything better. I could tell he just wanted to go out and get drunk and drown his sorrows with his brother so I told him he should. Rather than sitting in the house all night feeling miserable and crying.

    When my boyfriend had left, I called Sora. We talked for a few hours and laughed and joked and missed each other. Then as the conversation progressed and the night went on, it got sadder and sadder until he went down the route of how he shouldn’t be in my life and he can’t be around me because he can’t be with me.

    In the end I ended the call. It was going nowhere and just making us both miserable. I woke up the next day to a few messages saying that I never gave him any hope that he could be with me and I shouldn’t waste my time on him. I was trying to be there for my boyfriend and his family at the time so the fact that Sora was yet again trying to push me into an all or nothing scenario, all about him, pissed me off.

    In the end, he played the “vulnerable person” card. I actually don’t believe he’s a vulnerable person at all. Yes bad shit has happened to him, same as everyone else, but I think his problem is his temper and some deep set way of thinking from his childhood that if he doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it, he takes it as a personal attack and lashes out in a temper. He basically accused me of messing up a vulnerable person. That when he told me he loved me I should have just said “aw that’s nice” and fucked him off. Apparently, the fact I didn’t do that at all and was nice to him and there for him constantly, constituted as me manipulating a vulnerable person.

    To me, that is a serious accusation. The fact I don’t consider him a vulnerable person at all and he only uses that card when it suits him, is irrelevant. It actually really really hurt me that he made out I was some nutter girl who finds broken guys with mental health issues, gets them to fall hopelessly in love with her, moves heaven and earth for them, then tells them they can’t have her. Apparently what I construe as being kind to someone who is sad, he construes as leading them on.

    I realised that since he came back in my life, even for only a short time, I’ve been miserable, my anxiety has gone up, I’ve stopped laughing and joking and being laid back. I’ve been walking on constant egg shells, tiptoeing around him and it’s had a knock on effect with everyone else in my life. My friend G has checked in with me every single day, trying to make me laugh and I realised that I was sacrificing so much for so little. After the “vulnerable person” statement I told Sora it was a serious accusation and that I would be staying away from him. I was diplomatic about my answers and not nasty, just reasonable. I think unless Sora can get a grip of himself and learn to control his temper and childish tantrums, that I just can’t be in his life. There is no gray area for him, just black and white and it’s not how the world functions. I have tried and tried with him for over a year now and things have just gotten worse. He knows the things he accuses me of and the things he calls me are wrong and he knows he says them because he is lashing out rather than because he thinks they’re true but there is only so much of a beating I can keep taking, when I don’t have to and am not the person he makes me out to be because I have a lot of friends.

    I am actually a good person.

     
  • mylonelyconfessions 1:43 pm on 5th October 2018 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,   

    Confession #22 – Maybe I made a mistake? 

    Sora has been increasingly difficult today. I don’t know what his game is or why he has been more disagreeable than usual but he has argued and contradicted every single thing I have said ALL day. Along with saying I look unhealthy and pale, which you know, is great to hear, given all the changes I made to my appearance to suit him because he hated so much about me. My hair, the fact I didn’t wear dresses or the colour pink, or girly things. I changed nearly all of who I was but apparently it wasn’t enough and there’s no pleasing him. So I can’t be bothered to try anymore. He has been itching for an argument all day so I think it’s best I back off and give him some space. My boyfriend was right, me and Sora are in each others’ faces too much, too often and we need to stop. That’s probably where the arguments come from. But at the same time if I don’t message him or call him when I usually do, that also causes an argument.

    Sigh

    I’m at a bit of a loose end because my mental health is deteriorating. I had made changes to my life when Sora left and I was starting to do things I didn’t do before. Since he’s came back I’ve gone back into my shell. I need to make an effort tonight to do what I want to do and make myself happy. I have spent so long trying to please everyone else that I have left myself behind. No one else is going to try and make me happy so I have to do it myself. I made a lot of friends since Sora cut himself out of my life and as soon as he’s came back I’ve brushed them all off again. Something I said I wouldn’t do. They have all messaged me every day checking in with me. I need them. They are good for me.

    Sora wanted to read this blog. I told him no. I can’t deal with the backlash of him not liking what he reads on here. This space needs to be somewhere safe where I can throw all my thoughts and feelings at a page without fear of repercussions. And without having to tailor the entries and dull them down so as not to piss him off. My feelings are raw and unabridged and I want this blog to be the same. A true reflection of what is going on in my head.

    The sensible part of my brain thinks I might have made a mistake in trying to get Sora back. He is controlling and jealous and I find myself constantly trying not to make him mad. Checking my phone incessantly in case I’ve missed a message and get accused of not wanting to talk to him. My anxiety is off the charts yet again and I’ve just eaten dinner and feel so sick and ill and dizzy already because he started arguing with me over a stupid documentary. I just can’t take this. How am I supposed to solve this situation? He won’t make the effort to try and maintain an upbeat and happy relationship with me, making me feel like he cares about me, but when he goes away I can’t stand it either and I know he hasn’t gone away and is still watching everything I do.

    I know Sora is totally right. He is not good for me. In his words his “head is fucked” and he’s only fucking mine as time progresses. I am a completely different person when he is around and I’m not someone I want to be. I feel as though I can be myself, albeit at the moment I am forcing and pretending to be happy, when I am not around Sora. I am constantly on edge when he is around. I was making a little bit of progress when he was away and now I’m right back where I started because he refuses to just treat me as if I’m not the enemy.

    When we first met we had such a massive laugh. But I changed everything about my looks and personality to suit him and he became more attached to me, asking that stupid question which changed everything and now neither of us are the people we were back then. We are not compatible anymore. It makes me sad, really sad because sometimes he makes me laugh so hard. But mostly he makes me cry and be sad. He won’t make any changes and he bites my head off at everything. I can’t deal with it. I think maybe distancing myself might help a bit. Being less full on. And spending time with my other friends, who seem to genuinely care about me and make me laugh A LOT. Maybe if I back off things will calm down and go back to the way they used to be back in the day.

    Maybe we could even get into a game with both like together.

    All maybes. If I can’t find a “maybe” that works, it will be game over for me and Sora because I can’t put my life at risk anymore like this.

     
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